Chapter 40
Ma Ting's expression instantly shifted to something strange. Irritated, I raked my fingers through my hair, unsure of how to explain things to her. I could only vent by stuffing food into my mouth, the first time I ever made myself completely full.
I couldn't tell if it was from eating something bad or some other reason, but that night I tossed and turned, unable to sleep. Eventually I sat up and stared blankly at the cabinet across from me. Pale moonlight filtered through the window, and my thoughts grew increasingly hazy.
As a child, I was smart—or rather, I had an excellent memory. By age three, I could recite over two hundred Tang dynasty poems and some lengthy prose pieces. A child like me was my parents' pride and the teacher's favorite. Surrounded by everyone's praise, I took great pride in my intellect—until the day I saw my mother rolling around on a bed with a familiar uncle.
At four years old, I, like an idiot, thought it was some kind of game, and when that uncle came to visit again, I asked him right in front of my father if he could play that game with me like he had with my mother.
I still remember my parents' frozen faces that day—panic, fury, confusion. Even though I didn't understand anything, I felt afraid for some inexplicable reason.
But that was as far as it went. From that point on, I couldn't remember anything else. I only know that after that, I became stupid. After that, my parents' relationship dropped to freezing point, and they divorced around the time I started elementary school.
I went with my father. He never remarried but kept cycling through female companions. I despised that kind of life, so I studied incredibly hard. While others memorized once, I memorized three, five, ten times. I poured all my time into my schoolwork and finally got into a university in N City, a thousand miles from home.
And ever since arriving here, I never went back. I didn't want to go back, didn't want to see my father's drunken face again.
I lowered my head and looked at my fingernails. They were clean, but jagged like they'd been gnawed by a dog. I had cut them myself, but the result was even worse than if I'd bitten them. After living with Shangguan for two years, it was as if I had no self-care ability at all. I sat there, quietly watching the cabinet across from me, until my body grew cold, until the sun replaced the moon and noise gradually stirred outside...
For some unknown reason, ever since that day I became increasingly dazed and distracted. The upside of this trance was that it helped me resist Xiao Xiao's persistent advances. The downside was that I kept breaking plates, which made me feel terribly guilty toward Ma Ting. But I didn't understand what was happening myself—there was something important that seemed to have slipped away from me. I wanted to grab onto it, yet I was terribly afraid.
This feeling left me extremely anxious, so I became even more distracted, and Ma Ting's losses grew worse. Though she always smiled and said it was fine, now every time I picked up a plate I was terrified. And what made it worse was Xiao Xiao, who had actually grabbed a notebook to record my "highest records."
Today, another cup shattered in my hands. I quickly bent down to pick up the pieces, not daring to look at Ma Ting at all.
"A-Yi."
I startled, and immediately a piece cut my finger.
Ma Ting slapped her forehead and murmured something about harming someone, but her voice was too low—I couldn't hear clearly. I looked up, about to ask, when she came over to my side: "Are you okay?"
I quickly assured her I was fine, and while sucking on my finger, asked, "What's up?"
"Nothing's wrong with me, but your current mental state isn't suitable for working. So, since today isn't very busy either, why don't you go out for a walk?"
I felt deeply embarrassed: "I'm sorry."
She waved her hand, saying dismissively, "I'm not blaming you. I just want you to clear your head."
Hearing this, I had no choice but to leave. Ma Ting meant well, and if I stayed, I would only be making things worse.
After leaving the coffee shop, I felt at a loss. Though I'd been here for over a month, my range of movement had always been limited to this area. Now, when told to wander around, I truly didn't know where to go. I simply walked without direction.
Ma Ting's coffee shop was in the eastern district of N City, considered relatively backward compared to the western district. Along the back roads, I occasionally spotted some old houses, elderly people sitting in wide chairs in groups of three or five, basking in the sun. Under the light, their wrinkles were very pronounced, but their expressions were extremely leisurely.
Would I end up like this someday? I didn't think old age was particularly far away, but I couldn't imagine what I would look like when I grew old. Wives, children—these had never been part of my considerations. There was Shangguan before, but now, there was nothing left.
I stood there, suddenly feeling an overwhelming, inescapable coldness.