# Chapter 51
"That's my thing." I muttered again, hating myself for how even reclaiming my own belongings felt like I was doing something shameful.
"A Yi, I've waited six years for you. I'm not letting you run away." His tone was calm, but precisely because of that calmness, it highlighted his determination.
My anger flared up instantly. "Just because you won't let me run doesn't mean I'll stay! Why should you get to do whatever you want? I'm a person, not a pet or a toy! I have my own autonomy—I can go wherever I want and do whatever I want. You waited—that's your business. I didn't ask you to wait, I didn't ask you to do anything, I—I hate this!"
I didn't know how to express my indignation. Shangguin's words made me feel a sense of despair. I stared at him; his expression remained calm, but the stubbornness in his eyes hadn't diminished at all.
"A Yi, have you thought about your life from now on? What you want to do in the future?"
I stayed silent. What did I want to do? Of course, I wanted to live in a small city without the Shangguan family. But specifically what? It should be the same as now, I suppose—find a job, then just pass the days one by one.
"Have you thought about getting married? Having children? Setting any goals?"
He fired off questions one after another, but I couldn't answer a single one. Getting married and having children—this seems like something everyone must experience in life, but to me it feels optional. The truth is, I've never thought about starting a family. If I were being honest, I'm afraid of family.
I can be friends with girls, but I don't know how to be their lover or husband. It seems like none of them see me as husband material either. In their hearts, I'm just a little brother or a friend, maybe just an interesting person.
As for children, that terrifies me even more. How could I dare take on the responsibility of a life coming into existence and growing up? What if he's born with defects? What if he misbehaves? What if he turns bad? What if—
Goals are something I've never even considered. If I had to name one, it would just be finding a job that's not too disagreeable with decent pay.
"You haven't thought about getting married, haven't thought about having children, and you have no ambitions—am I right?" Though phrased as questions, his tone was certain.
I turned my face away, suddenly feeling unable to look at him.
He walked over to where I was, crouched down, and said with what sounded like a sigh: "So A Yi, why are you running away?"
I flinched. It took me a long while to squeeze out a response: "I—I'm not gay..."
"Does that matter? Since you haven't thought about getting married or having children, does it matter whether you're gay or not?"
I stared blankly at my own hands, vaguely sensing something wrong in his words, but I couldn't find the flaw.
"Being with me—would it cause you trouble? I'll cook for you, draw your bath, drive you to and from work. If you have work-related troubles, I'll help you solve them. If there's something you don't understand, I can explain it to you. As long as you don't fall in love with someone else, I can do everything for you. I'm not asking you to love me either. Look—it's been six years since we met, and I've never made such a demand, have I?"
As he spoke, he gradually drew closer. The last words were practically whispered into my ear.
My thoughts began to blur. Indeed, when I'm with Shangguin, it feels like I don't have to worry about anything.
"This whole thing was my mistake. I just got so angry at Yang Yun that I lost my head. That kid has always liked to compete with me since we were little, and you just happened to be foolish enough to follow him around—how could I not be furious?"
I opened my mouth but said nothing. Though I was coerced, there's no need to bring up that humiliating incident.
"I promise it won't happen again. We can live like we used to. Of course, if you want to change jobs, I have no objection. Oh, right—the company has already decided to spin off the online gaming division. You could transfer there正好. I think you have some talent in that area."
"I don't want to do online gaming!" I said reflexively.
"Fine, if you don't want to do that, I have no objections to whatever you want to do. You could go to another company, but I should warn you first—finding a job isn't easy."
"Hmph, can't I even find a job? No wait—I—I don't even want to stay in N City anymore!" Damn it, I almost got sidetracked!