Chapter 26: If
The deep autumn wind carried a hint of bitter cold, ruthlessly tearing the leaves still clinging to the branches, spinning them through the air.
One person rode fast out of Zhongbi Manor, then walked out of the Protector of the Nation General's mansion in a daze, curling up beside the stone lion at the gate. He didn't move the entire day.
No one dared approach to comfort him, no one dared stop to watch.
The entire day, cold wind filled his thin clothing, yet he couldn't feel the cold at all. He was so desperate, as if the only spark of life had been drained from him, his heart dead as if his spirit had departed.
What happened last night replayed in his mind, every detail crystal clear.
He regretted it,懊恼了，心疼了。
He wanted to apologize, to comfort, to make amends.
But when he opened his eyes, that person was nowhere to be found—破天荒地。
His lips blue-purple, whole body trembling—not from cold, but from fear.
Zhongshan is gone. What should I do now? What about tomorrow? What about the future?
Zhongshan... you don't want me anymore...
All these years, everything about him surfaced in his mind.
His thoughtfulness, his indulgence, his tenderness and care... he... he won't give those to me anymore...
He gave selflessly. What did I give him?
Without him, what am I supposed to do?
"Zhongshan..." The crying that had continued all day outside the Protector of the Nation General's mansion mixed with soft, barely audible pleading, sounding again in broken gasps.
"Zhongshan, I was wrong... I know I was wrong, Zhongshan, I'm begging you, come back... I was wrong..."
"Zhongshan... I was wrong, you..."
"Zhongshan... you... you tricked me too. You promised you wouldn't leave me..."
"Zhongshan... you don't want me either... What should I do? What should I do? What... what should I do..."
"I was wrong... I know I was wrong... Don't leave me..."
"Zhongshan..."
Cried out, pleaded until exhausted, he leaned against the stone lion and fell asleep.
Last night, whose tears soaked my chest? Whose crying echoed in my dreams? Whose hands kept stroking my cheeks? Whose lips dried my tears?
Zhongshan, even you don't want me anymore. How am I supposed to live...
The Backstory
The rebel army at Pingbei Pass had their hideout in a mountain stronghold—difficult to attack but easy to defend. The Liao army couldn't breach it, so they could only wait at the foot of the mountain for the stronghold to run out of ammunition before launching an assault.
Zhongshan entered Mancheng's tent and found him asleep at the table, drool pooling everywhere. He shook him awake with a laugh: "Behave yourself! If you're going to sleep, lie properly on the bed!"
Mancheng rubbed his face, yawning repeatedly, and complained: "I just ate dinner and you're telling me to go to bed? Do I have any dignity left?"
"You think drooling everywhere is dignified?" Zhongshan rolled up his sleeve and wiped the drool from Mancheng's face. "Let's go for a walk."
Mancheng showed no interest whatsoever, curling up into a ball with his head buried. "Stop it! You bastard, won't let me sleep at night or during the day—what do you want?"
Zhongshan used force to pull him up. "I'm taking you somewhere amazing. Miss it today and you'll have to wait until next month!"
"Bullshit! Watch me kill you!" Mancheng shouted.
Zhongshan paid him no mind, flipped him over his shoulder, and carried him out of the tent.
Mancheng was furious, shouting at the top of his lungs: "Cheng Zhongshan! You ungrateful bastard! I really will hurt you!"
Zhongshan tossed him onto the golden-yellow warhorse, swung himself up behind, not giving Mancheng any chance to resist. The horse thundered off with both of them.
The soldiers stood there stunned: Only General Cheng could force General Xia to do something!
Jin Lu exchanged a glance with Qu Xue, then yelled at the stunned soldiers: "What are you staring at? Back to your posts!" Then, turning to Qu Xue, he murmured: "Try talking some sense into Zhongshan. Tell him to be more discreet."
Qu Xue wore a strange smile. "Would he listen? I really admire him. I've never met anyone so blindly devoted. What a fool."
The golden-yellow horse ran for almost an hour. By the time it stopped, the sky was dark. "What are you doing? Tire my horse to death and I'll kill you!" Mancheng roared.
"Don't be dramatic. It could go several more hours. We're almost there!" Zhongshan asked: "Cold?"
Mancheng dramatically shouted: "Cold! If I'd brought my sword—"
Zhongshan immediately reined the horse to a stop, one hand on the reins, the other wrapping tightly around Mancheng. "Cold now?"
Mancheng showed no gratitude. "This is how you take me out to play? How boring can you be?" Yet his body pressed close against Zhongshan.
The horse slowed to a gentle walk. White moonlight bathed everything. The night was cool, but Zhongshan's embrace was incredibly warm.
Seeing Mancheng had stopped cursing, he asked with a smile: "Why did you suddenly behave yourself?" When Mancheng didn't answer, Zhongshan continued: "Last month I discovered a strange cave on the west side of Pangge Mountain. Once inside, there's a shortcut that winds around to the back of Jiudao Valley. There's a tiny lake there, and when the moon is full, countless golden fish gather beneath the reflection of the full moon! I jumped in and they didn't scatter, just kept circling the reflection."
Mancheng burst out laughing: "You mean those fish you brought back last month?"
"Yeah. Didn't you say they tasted amazing and ask me for more? But when I went back the next day, they were gone. I thought... maybe they only appear on nights with a full moon?"
Mancheng's interest instantly piqued. "That's so dumb! Let's go catch a bunch! Did you bring a net?"
"Weren't you the one who said you weren't going?" Zhongshan's face lit up with joy.
Mancheng's spirits lifted. "I'm going! Why wouldn't I go? Who's fault is it that you didn't tell me sooner?"
"If I'd told you earlier, Qu Xue and the others would've tagged along too." Zhongshan pressed his lips close to Mancheng's ear, his voice soft and intimate with deep affection: "It's better like this, just the two of us."
As he spoke, Zhongshan guided the horse to the cave entrance. The entrance was covered with vines, making it nearly invisible. The cave was cramped at the entrance, but widened the deeper they went. The clatter of hooves echoed emptily as they rode for several miles before emerging from the other side. They turned onto a overgrown forest path, and suddenly—a vast scene opened before them. A lake, tranquil and clear. The water's surface, centered on the reflection of the full moon, rippled outward with golden light. Countless rare golden fish rushed toward the moon's reflection.
Mancheng was overjoyed. He slid off the horse and excitedly stripped off his clothes in one motion. With a splash, he jumped into the water.
Zhongshan tied up the horse, laughing: "Don't catch too many. Your horse has to carry them all back. You'll really tire it to death!" As he gathered the fish Mancheng threw onto the shore into the net.
Flowers swayed, the moon shifted. Mancheng's laughter echoed through the secluded, eerie Jiudao Valley. Zhongshan sat by the water's edge, gazing at the person his heart belonged to, entranced.
If I could stay by his side, I'd have no other desires in life...
After an unknown amount of time, Mancheng, worn out from playing, swam toward Zhongshan.
The full moon hung overhead, silver light covering everything. In Zhongshan's eyes reflected a scene like a painting: the person in the water approaching through the magical silver waves. His wet hair clung to his infinitely gentle face. The mist on his long eyelashes glistened. His jade-smooth skin beaded with water. So beautiful it almost felt unreal.
"What are you looking at?" Mancheng neared the shore, standing in waist-deep water, cupping Zhongshan's face and teasing him: "Am I really that good-looking? You look completely dazed?" Without waiting for Zhongshan's answer, he pushed off the shore and pounced on Zhongshan, knocking him to the ground. His cold, wet fingers traced Zhongshan's lips. When Zhongshan reached for his hand, Mancheng slipped it down to rest on Zhongshan's chest instead, a faint ambiguous smile playing at his lips: "I'm cold..." He leaned down and lightly kissed Zhongshan's face.
Zhongshan understood immediately and asked: "Aren't you afraid someone might see?"
"Who's going to see us out here in the wilds? Besides, if someone did come, let them watch. What have I ever been afraid of?"
Zhongshan flipped them over, pinning Mancheng beneath him. "Then I'm going to show you what I've got. Don't blame me later for not letting you sleep tonight!" With that, he pressed his lips to Mancheng's and kissed him passionately...
The grass by the shore was soft and damp, glistening coldly in the night air. The wind carried the scent of tree sap. Mancheng gazed at the shifting, phantom clouds floating across the curved dark sky behind Zhongshan, desire exploding within him like one possessed.
Moonlight illuminated fleeting comfort and satisfaction. Through rounds of passionate intimacy—like the fish chasing the reflection in the water—they gave themselves over purely to instinct and impulse, lost in each other.
"Zhongshan..." Mancheng gasped, calling out with deep affection.
Zhongshan stirred, his throat moving, but no sound came from his mouth. His body responded intensely.
"Zhongshan..." Mancheng called again: "Zhongshan, I... I..."
Zhongshan's heart lurched violently: You idiot, don't say it now!
Mancheng lost himself, and words from his heart burst forth: "Zhongshan, I..."
I don't want to hear it! Zhongshan leaned down and kissed Mancheng's lips desperately, afraid he might say that one sentence that would destroy him.
Mancheng suddenly felt a surge of fear—and secret relief that those words hadn't been spoken.
Zhongshan didn't know it, but the words Mancheng had truly wanted to say from the bottom of his heart were: "I love you."
Dark clouds covered the sky. Heaven and earth were in chaos.
In front of the Protector of the Nation General's mansion, two red lanterns hung high, glowing with an eerie, ghostly light, casting a numbingly cold pallor over everything.
In the heavy, ink-dark night, a horse silently appeared at the mansion gates.
The rider gazed at the figure curled in the corner—fragile and helpless as a falling leaf. His heart ached unbearably. He rushed over and knelt down, gently touching that tear-streaked, pale sleeping face. Regret tore at him: "Mancheng..."
Mancheng startled awake, his swollen-from-crying eyes blinking open. His lips trembled uncontrollably.
Zhongshan held him tightly in his arms, his voice shaking: "Why are you wearing so little? You'll catch cold!"
"Zhong... I, I... you... you..." Mancheng clutched him like a drowning man grasping life-saving straw, holding Zhongshan desperately, but couldn't form a single coherent sentence.
The melancholy and anguish still couldn't sever the thousand threads of tangled affection. Zhongshan kissed the streaming tears on Mancheng's face with mad passion, intoxicated and lost to himself.
My horse has already passed through the Hu Gate. I stand at the crossroads of life, hesitating, pausing, contemplating.
From now on, tomorrow, the next moment—what should I do?
I don't know.
Move forward, turn right, or turn left? Which path is mine? Which road leads to what I long for? Which path leads to where my soul belongs?
I know.
I turn back. My heart races homeward. My heart is in turmoil. I am anxious and unsettled.
My longing, the home of my soul—what is he doing?
Without me, what will become of him? Will he be listless, or will he fly into a rage? Will he be indifferent, or will he burn with hidden worry?
I saw his tears. That's enough. That's enough to make me willingly let him trample and use me, to be utterly devoted to him, to destroy myself for him.
The main quarters of the Protector of the Nation General's mansion were pitch black, impossible to see a hand in front of your face—yet somehow comforting. It didn't matter that they couldn't see. The two of them knew each other's bodies so well, were so familiar with each other's sounds, loved each other's responses so deeply. They held each other, kissed, tangled and intertwined, took warmth from each other, gave comfort to each other, drowning in bliss...
At dawn, just as the sleeping person had, he startled awake suddenly as if from a nightmare and cried out: "Zhongshan!"
A gentle voice answered: "I'm right here."
Mancheng exhaled in relief and held him tighter. "I was so afraid that when I opened my eyes, you'd be gone again."
"Fool. Didn't I promise to stay by your side for a lifetime?"
"You're lying!" Mancheng pouted, feeling wronged, and demanded: "Where did you go yesterday?"
Zhongshan replied coolly: "Can't I go for a stroll?"
Mancheng didn't press further. He touched the bruise on Zhongshan's face that still hadn't faded, and tears threatened to fall again. "Does it hurt? Let me rub it for you?"
"Hah. Yesterday when you hit me, you were so impressive. Now look at you, acting like a little lamb."
"I'm sorry. I was wrong... I'm sorry..." Mancheng quickly scooted closer, pressing in to kiss the bruise, apologizing repeatedly.
Zhongshan's lips twitched, but he didn't smile like he usually would, putting on a carefree front.
You fool. The pain isn't here. It's in my heart.
Not because you hit me—but because in my arms, you called out someone else's name. Because you showed not even a shred of concern for me.
It hurts. It hurts so much I can barely breathe.
Mancheng was uncharacteristically gentle today. He wrapped his arms around Zhongshan's neck and said softly: "I was wrong. I won't do it again. I'm begging you, don't be angry. From now on, I'll listen to everything you say. Whatever you say, I'll listen."
Zhongshan was stunned. He asked: "Then don't drink so much all the time, okay?"
"Okay."
"And go see the imperial physician later, okay?"
"Okay."
"The weather's getting cold. Wear more clothes, okay?"
"Okay, okay."
Zhongshan gazed at him tenderly, then slowly asked: "Mancheng, you and I..."
"No." Mancheng's playful expression immediately disappeared. He cut Zhongshan off without hesitation: "Except for this. I can't promise you this."
A trace of unhidden desolation flickered across Zhongshan's features, then vanished. He nodded toward the messy room. "When you sleep with me, can you at least find the bed before taking off your pants? How could you be so impatient?"
Mancheng cackled twice, gently nipping at Zhongshan's face, then changed the subject: "I didn't eat anything all day yesterday!"
Zhongshan laughed as he held him. "No wonder. You drooled so much. Am I that delicious to you?"
"Hehe..." Mancheng rolled over and lay on top of Zhongshan, biting and licking, his hands wandering everywhere.
"It tickles! Don't put those dog teeth near my throat. If you bite down, I'll die! I'm so scared!" As Zhongshan said this, he held Mancheng even tighter. "Haha... It tickles! I'm going to fight back... General Xia, haha, please spare me... It tickles to death..."
The two of them romped and play-fought inside the room, biting and wrestling. They had long forgotten about morning court.
The officials gathered in the Yaoji Hall had long grown accustomed to this: It would be strange if those two shameless, ridiculous military officers actually showed up for morning court.
The emperor on the dragon throne, beyond disappointment, felt only sorrow: Now even just seeing him had become so difficult.